


In Which Jake Gets His Banoodle Stuck in One of Those Water Tube Thingies

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Misuse of Novelty Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:29:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21700051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: I have too much fun being Jake on MxRP.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	In Which Jake Gets His Banoodle Stuck in One of Those Water Tube Thingies

golgothasTerror [GT] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 23:07 

GT: Bro.

TT: Bro.

GT: I got my banoodle stuck in one of those water tube thingies.

TT: You put your dick in a pool noodle?  
TT: _Again?_

GT: No god no i learned from THAT mistake!

TT: Oh, thank fuck.

GT: <https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0826/7525/products/water_tube3_grande.jpg?v=1493752126>

TT: Goddammit, Jake...  
TT: Onaholes are like fifteen dollars.

GT: It was so pretty and squishy and *blue* can you really blame me?  
GT: There just is a lack of lubrication which made this exploit a one way trip.

TT: Look, I have a Bad Dragon discount. Do the right thing and buy something blue that's actually made to be fucked.

GT: That shit is for elitists man i can think of waaay better ways to blow that much dough.  
GT: For example ten of these wiggly guys.  
GT: One for every finger.

TT: Jesus.  
TT: I will pour blue paint on my ass and let you at it if you stop fucking kids toys.

GT: I can make no promises but ill jump at that opportunity. Also theyre appropriate for *all* ages dont make it sound weird man!  
GT: Anyhoo. Do you want me to wear the horse mask again? The sound effect gizmo needs new batteries but i think i can improvise.  
GT: *whinnies seductively*

TT: ...  
TT: Sounds good, but never type that again.

GT: Dont be such a neighsayer bro.

TT: Did you just,

GT: ;) LL

TT: Are you coming over or not?

GT: Its kind of uncomfortable to walk around like this so ill be over as soon as i free my willy!

TT: Just pop the thing.

GT: But.

TT: I'll personally replace it.

GT: But its so pretty i dont want to ruin it.  
GT: Thatd be a waste.  
GT: One sec im switching to skulltop. Hands free baby!  
GT: You are going to get a live narration of this whole ordeal.

TT: Lucky me.

GT: Indeed. Alrightyroo here we go!  
GT: Id say its firmly wedged in there. Like winnie the pooh in rabbits hole.  
GT: Oh god wait that sounded wrong.

TT: Hot.

GT: Shut your yapper.

TT: Sir, yes, sir.

GT: Ha my dude i believe i am thoroughly fucked over here. Warm waters not helping enough and i cant even fit the lube nozzle in. It wont budge a millimeter!

TT: Just cut it.

GT: Nooooo. :(

TT: If your dick loses circulation, I'll cry. I will feel that shit vicariously.  
TT: What I'm saying is that your dick is my lifeforce. Don’t do this to me.

GT: I think ill be crying more but very well...  
GT: Little bernie misses you by the way.

TT: And I miss little Bernie.

GT: Say maybe if you gave him a hand he could blow his way out!

TT: Maybe if you stopped banging unbangable things he wouldn't be in this situation.

GT: Ill admit hes been thoroughly traumatized.  
GT: Aw nuts!! It fucking popped after all that effort!

TT: Let me guess. Did Lil' Bernie get too big?

GT: His heart on grew three times today... This is an awful mess.  
GT: I mean it looks nice enough but it kind of burns and i think its staining?

TT: Wash your dick, Jake.

GT: No you.

TT: Then bring it over here so I can.

GT: Its shimmery like a bowling ball.  
GT: Ok im just screwing around bernies had his bath but i am sort of blue balled still. Be there in a few ticks!

TT: Sweet. I'll be in my room.

GT: I am outside now. Fuck its cold.  
GT: Quick way to airdry though.

TT: You're...  
TT: Jake, please put on some pants.

GT: No thanks.  
GT: I didnt want to dirty another towel and id just have to take them off again. No ones around to see.

TT: For fuck's sake, I live on the top floor of an urban apartment complex. 

GT: Yeah but its dark out!  
GT: Look im already halfway there dont sweat it.

TT: Security cameras have night vision.

GT: Lucky them.

TT: At least cover yourself with your jacket if you brought it.

GT: Ugh... FINE.  
GT: Its not really covering anything but hey whatever floats your boat.

TT: Just think of how warm my hand will be on your frozen dick and hurry up.

GT: ...  
GT: Ok im by the window.  
GT: Let me innnn.

TT: Door's open.

GT: Dude i flew all the way here and youre telling me i have to take the stairs like an ordinary dumbass?  
GT: Im literally knocking on your window turn around!

TT: I'm not moving.

GT: You bastard.

TT: Comfy.

GT: People will *definitely* see me if i take the stairs!!  
GT: Youre ten seconds away from a lovely dickprint on your meticulously polished glass.  
GT: ...  
GT: FIVE.  
GT: FOUR.  
GT: THREE.  
GT: TWO.  
GT: ONE AND A HALF.  
GT: ONE AND A QUARTER!

TT: I'm waiting.

GT: Holy shit you stone cold do not give a fuck.  
GT: Oh god frigid glass. This is entirely your fault.

TT: The second one's unlocked.

GT: ...  
GT: You could have TOLD me that when i got here!  
GT: But no jake youre locked out because i cant be assed to get up so go give some old lady down the hall a heart attack why dont you?

TT: Wanted to see if you'd actually dickslap my window.  
TT: I'm impressed.

GT: Youre darn right i did. Im a man of integrity and i keep my word. Also i suppose we can stop texting now that were in the same room.

TT: Oh. Right.

"Ah, so nice and toasty in here..."

"Even better in bed."

He dives under the quilt, getting comfortable in Dirk’s lap. Dirk makes a content noise, wrapping it around Jake with his arms like wings and resting his chin atop his head. Jake snuggles closer.

"Hell yes, this is the good shit... It was all worth it for the tender embrace of an equiphile."

"I'm not an- You fuck actual toys."

"And? I'm not judging. Enough of this jibberjabber; you're warm and soft and I missed you."

"You know I'm down to cuddle with my shimmery, blue-balled boyfriend. What a trip..."

"I wish this fate befell your weenie sans the discomfort. It'd be dazzling~

Say, maybe I can rub some off onto it."

"Close your eyes?"

"O- ok.

...

Wait, do you mean I should use the power of imagination?"

"Yeah."

"That's BRILLIANT! I can do you one better though."

Dirk snakes an arm past Jake's, wrapping his hand around his dick. "Mm?"

"A- nn... nevermind. I was going to try to rustle your- your feathers and hopeify your dick to a lovely shade of cerulean. You intervened just in the nick of time..."


End file.
